Daily Archives: September 9, 2010


I used to get paid to insult people 2

I really wish I remembered them all but it’s been 20 years.  It was at the restaurant I worked in before the Timberlodge.  One or 2 of the 5 or 6 nights a week that I worked,  I’d work in the bar instead of the restaurant.  That’s where it was that I was paid to hand out insults.  The tv show “Cheers” was big at the time.  People started telling me that I reminded them of Carla.   Carla was a short, scrappy, out-spoken,  single mom with tons of children who worked in a bar for a living.  Where’s the connection?

It really kind of irritated me to begin with.  More and more I was hearing this from customers.  I finally decided that if that’s what people wanted, that’s what they’d get.  So there ya go, flying insults.  I was pretty astounded when I noticed that the more I insulted people, the more money they left me.  That’s when I told the managers that I needed a new name tag and it needed to say Carla.

Have you ever been to a Dick’s Last Resort?  I highly recommend it.  My 1st time was in Dallas. Years after my Carla years I had accompanied romantic-boy to a convention and were walking the streets of the West End and decided to stop for something to drink.  We sat outside instead of inside and although I hadn’t noticed it, I was the only female sitting outside. It was brought to my attention when I noticed the waiter swearing at the table next to us.  The guys at the table laughed and said something back and the waiter went all crazy on them screaming that they needed to shut their effin’  (that’s my word, he used the real word) mouths because there was a lady present and he pointed at me.  The guys at the table laughed some more.  Slow but trainable.  That’s when I caught on.  My exact thought was “Ah…Carla”.  To my credit, me as Carla never used that language to customers.  For the remainder of our time there the waiter cut down every single one of the males, repeatedly and always used me as the excuse for them to shut the ef up.  Gales of laughter were coming from me.  To see my Carla persona from another perspective was fabulous!

One or 2 years later, my gf, Kari, had moved to TX , just outside of Dallas.  My sister, Bernadette and another friend we’d grown up with, Wendi, and I decided to go visit her.  My input on this whole trip was “We HAVE to go to Dick’s Last Resort!”   We did.  The 4 of us walked in there one night, through the restaurant and up to the upstairs bar.  As we approached the bar, the bartender looked at us and asked “what do you hussies want?”  My sister informed him immediately that we were not hussies.  “Fine”  he said “what do you bitches want?”  The evening went on from  there.  Wendi & I were having a great time.  Bernadette and Kari had reached the point where they wanted the night to end and Wendi & I talked them into letting us have one more beer.  They agreed and we ordered giant, giant Bud Lites.  The bottles had to have been at least twice the normal size bottle.  I should put that as my profile pic.  Bernadette was mad about that for years.

Third time, also in Dallas.  Drove down w/Rob & the kids to San Antonio for step-father-in-law’s 75 (?) birthday.  My input on this trip was “we HAVE to go to Dick’s Last Resort!”  Apparently, if you eat in the restaurant they may or may not make you a hat.  Very tall, papers hats.  Then they write things on them and stick them on your head.  Three of the 5 of us were awarded hats.  Shannon’s said “future reject of girls gone wild” Alex’ said “my math teacher is a good kisser” and Rob’s  said “I give good mustache rides”.

By 2008 they had put a Dick’s in Vegas.  My input on this trip was “we HAVE to go to Dick’s Last Resort”.   Brother bear, Shan, Kevin & I went for lunch.  The waitress was short and scrappy and insulting and my hat said “easier than community college” I don’t remember what Bob’s had said.  We  had a great time.

So there it is, an entire chain whose sole purpose is to put you down.  They make money.  That’s why I made money.  The only insult I specifically remember saying, as Carla, and the only reason I remember it  is because my co-worker thought I’d really hit below the belt that time and she’d made it a point to let me know, is this:  two obviously single guys walked in and sat down and I went over and asked them “So what do you guys need besides dates?”.   I know, that’s so not below the belt.  I know I’ve said much worse. I couldn’t believe she thought that was bad.

I’ve got to believe that all of us who’ve made money insulting people owe it all to Groucho Marx.  He was, to my knowledge, the originator of people liking you because you insult them.  He once had a fan who had dragged his wife along with him over to see Groucho.  Groucho looked at the man and the man looked at Groucho and said “This is my wife, please insult her”  Grouch looked at the man’s wife and then back at the man and said  “With a wife like that, you can’t think of your own insults?”