Daily Archives: September 7, 2010

Things that still make me laugh 2

Burnsville homecoming game in 2007.  I was walking past a high school boy and he looked at a girl and asked her “did you just grab my ass?”.   I answered.  I said “no, that was me”.   The horrified look on his face, priceless.

A traffic circle has been put on my street since we moved here in 2003.  Hate it.  Too many people have no idea how to use it.  There are 4 curved entrances and 4 curved exits and NO you cannot make a left.  When Alex was in high school he and his buddies, one night,  “collected”  orange construction cones.  They took them to the traffic circle and blocked all the exits, none of the entrances, however.   Then they sat back and watched the reactions of people who drove into the round-about and couldn’t get out.  It’s never busy at night so there was never more than one person in the circle at a time.  Everyone drove around the circle a full 3 times (I’m sure they had to be thinking “I don’t get it”) before they took some kind of action.  I don’t recall them all.  One person actually maneuvered to get out an entrance, one person got out and moved the cones, one person ran over the cones.  Alex had me in stitches telling me all the stories the next day.  Rob was a tad irritated that I was laughing so hard, probably due to the I’m-supposed-to-be-the-parent thing.  Well yes, I am the parent and good for me that Alex acquired my  sense of humor :o)  Apparently, if that’s the worst thing he did in high school, I’m a good parent.

“I see London.  I see France.  I see Shannon’s butt crack.”

My shirt was covered in white Lacey fur one day, as I was using tape to get it off I said to Boo “I’m so glad you’re black”.  Samantha walked into the room and said “yeah, I hate those white people”.

The 1st year Shannon  came to Vegas with us a jerk-boy was hitting on her.  I didn’t like him.  I can be obvious.  I heard Shannon say to jerk-boy “Are you kidding?  My mom likes everyone”.   Then she looked at me and said “Mom, so-and-so (insert name for jerk-boy) thinks you don’t like him”.   I got to look at him and tell him “I don’t”.   Okay, that one doesn’t make me laugh, but it does make me feel good :o)

It’s a line from the movie “French Kiss”.  When I hear it in the movie, it’s funny.  Out of context it’s hysterical.  I was at work one day and Samantha called.  All she had called for was to quote the line from the movie.  I answered the phone and she said “My ass is twitching, you people make my ass twitch”.   I laughed so hard I cried, it was a good 10 minutes before I regained composure.

When Samantha was 3 she was asked me what “being married” was.  I explained it to her and let her know that her daddy and I used to be married.  She looked at me with huge eyes and said “MY daddy?  No WAY!”  and then laughed herself silly.

Alex and I were at a store, at the register paying when he was probably 12 years old.  I needed to show my driver’s license and for some reason Alex thought he could embarrass me by insinuating that I dye my hair.  He said overly loud “hey mom, what color is your hair in that picture?”.  Well I do dye my hair and I will tell anyone that, that’s beside the point.  I turned around and looked at him and a little past him and there was a girl about his age in line behind us.  I said “Alex, isn’t that the girl you used to have a crush on?”.   He turned red and we walked out to the car and once in the car he started saying “well next I’m going to say this or this”, I informed him “next time I’ll ask you very loudly to quit using my tampons as hand grenades”.   He was very indignant in letting me know that he had never done that.  I told him that I knew that, but nobody else would.  He never tried to publicly embarrass me again.

The reason this is the theme tonight is because I’m realizing exactly how long 11 months is and I’m trying to pull myself out of a “Pity, party of one” mode.   I just asked Rob to remind me of other things that have made me laugh.  He looked at me and said “well, what doesn’t?”.  Okay, that made me laugh, too. He’s right, I am far too easily amused :o)  Life is good that way.

The original name of the Timberlodge Steak House was the Minnesota Steak House.  I used to have great fun walking up to people that were wearing Packer shirts and saying “Excuse me but this is the MINNESOTA Steak House, I’m going to have to ask you to change your shirt”.   That pissed off more than a few Packer fans.  They’re so touchy.

When we were kids and Apple Valley was still a new and small community and there was a hill on the ditch to the main drag, we used to sit on the hill.  Every time we saw a car drive by with a single man in it we would all stand up and wave and shout “hi dad!”   We bagged them every time.  Every man thought that one of us was one of his children.  The startle, the turn of the head, the scan of us kids.  All the reactions were exactly same and we laughed every time.

My motto, to my sisters was always “I’m the cute one” or “at least I’m cute” or “I”m cuter than you are”.  It’s not a fact, it’s all attitude and all for a reaction.  Samantha and I were shopping one day and she brought me over a t-shirt that said “well, at least I’m cute”.  We were headed to a family gathering the next day, so I bought it and wore it into my parents house and my oldest sister, Claudette looked at the shirt and looked at me and said “well, it’s a good thing you advertise or no one would ever know it”.  That’s quick thinking and hysterical.

When my sister Bernadette got her driver’s license and my gf, Kari, and I were in the car with her and we were going somewhere and  Kari kept shouting out the window repeatedly “Smile!  God loves you!”.   Bern, as a new driver trying to concentrate finally had her fill when she screeched  “SHUT UP, HE DOES NOT!”.

In the years before servers had to introduce themselves “Hi, my name is Buffy and I’ll be your serving wench for the evening” , just shoot me.  Before that we wore name tags.  If you’ve got to work. make it fun.  Sometimes for fun I’d trade name tags with the bus boys.  People would read my name tag and ask me “is your name really Mike (or Jeff or Tom or Alan) ?   Is, um, is that short for something?”.  I’d always look at them straight faced and say “nope, my dad wanted a boy”.

When I was in high school and a date was coming to pick me up my dad would always sneak up behind me and slap after-shave lotion on me.  What an aroma!  Wait, that didn’t make me laugh, that made my dad laugh!  Scratch that one.

Crabby people hate to be touched, it makes them crabbier.  That’s a fact.  Learned that trick from my gf, Paula.  So, what’s a waitress to do when they’re waiting on someone who feels the need to spread their crabbiness?  Right, you touch them.  With a smile on your face of course.  Just touch them lightly on the shoulder to ask them what they’d like for dinner and you can positively see them squirm.   A good time will be had by one :o) It was before I learned that trick that I actually told someone that they needed to go wait in the car for the rest of their party.  You go out for dinner, you pay for it, you should have a good time doing it.  Am I wrong here?  I waited on a guy who was with his wife and mom.  He was crabby and they kept making excuses for him (right, back to just shoot me).   I’m the one who looked at him and let him know, directly, that apparently he didn’t want to have a nice time but his mom and his wife did and he should just let them do that by waiting in the car.  He didn’t go to the car  but he quit his bitching for the rest of the time he was in the restaurant and even became a little bit polite.

I adore Chris Certain!  I worked w/him throughout my 10 year on-again/off-again stint at Barnes and Noble.  He is a Viet Nam Vet and his picture is in the awesome book “Requiem”  about photographers in Viet Nam. He is retired from the Army,  has an amazing sense of adventure, a fabulous sense of humor and is one of the easiest people to get along with that I have ever met.  The phone rang one day at B&N and he answered it.  Some people just want to bitch, they don’t want a solution, they just want to bitch.  It was one of those phone calls.  Easy going and laid back as he is, he hung up on her.  She called back and he answered the phone again and she said “I certainly hope you did not hang up one me” and his response was “well, you can always hope”.   Gotta love Chris :o)

Shannon worried me when she was in elementary school.  Rob doesn’t have the warped sense of humor that I do and I was afraid she’d acquired his lack of appreciating humor.   She’d ask me things like “what did Bridget say that made you laugh?” or “why did you laugh when Alex said that?”   It was like she was studying humor or something.  She would listen, see my reaction and ask me why I reacted that way.  I am the most easily amused person I know, I get that.  I was afraid for my daughter that she may never see the humor in life.  I came home from shopping one day when she was in 6th or 7th grade and I had bought myself a shirt.  There was a round sticker on the shirt with an “s” on it and I peeled it off and just because the phone was near, I stuck it on the phone.  Later the phone rang and Shan was closest to it so I asked her to get the phone.  She looked at the phone with the “s” sticker on it and looked at me and asked “what do you want me to do with the small phone?” .  Not only have I not worried since then, she has made me laugh out loud repeatedly a lot since then.  She is the one who coined the phrase “it smells like butt”.  Okay, that makes me laugh, too.

We were at Fibber  McGee’s in Galway, Ireland and there was a “football” game on.  We would call it soccer.  There were tons of locals in there, apparently this was an important game.  Rob, Bob, and I each ordered a beer and something big happened in the game.  Apparently it wasn’t a good thing.  There’s always one overly macho guy in every crowd and the one in this crowd made himself easily visible after that happened.  He swore the loudest, he shook his fist the most, he then proceeded to beat up his bar stool…I know,  what a man, right?  After he beat up his bar stool (which incidentally, wasn’t located at the bar) he strolled over to the bar in his highly macho way and very loudly demanded a…are you ready for this?  A Bud light.  Right, so that’s where I lost it.  Although it’s my drug of choice it is also the wussie beer of America and here was Mr. Big-Man thinking he’s so very cool ordering an import.  It was the same Easter Sunday that I didn’t get kicked out of the cathedral.  I completely lost it again.  I can only guess that Mr. Big-Man never dreamed that my hysterical laughter was directed at him.  Oh yeah, that still cracks me up.

So anyway, tonight was all about me and getting over my pity party.  Most, if not all of these are you-had-to-be-there stories so I apologize for just entertaining myself publicly.  I  needed to laugh.  If you read this and you’re disappointed, tough, tonight is my night and the whole self preservation crap has kicked in.  I’m okay :o)